


One blanket less

by Depressedloaf



Series: One jacket less [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bisexual Miya Atsumu, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sexual Content, Therapy, They are gay your honor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:34:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Depressedloaf/pseuds/Depressedloaf
Summary: “Poor Sakusa, you drooled all over his shirt.” Shion added with a teasing lilt to his voice. He squinted his eyes again and looked at Sakusa’s shirt, and sure enough he could see a damp spot standing on full display. The spot seemed to stare right back at him like it also wondered why it was plastered to Sakusa’s shirt. He had no answer to provide it with, instead he briefly wondered how many would be attending his soon to be held funeral.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: One jacket less [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158818
Comments: 6
Kudos: 98





	One blanket less

**Author's Note:**

> !Notes at the end!

His index finger hovered above the call button. 

He had never called a therapist before, what was he even supposed to say? ‘Yes hello I have problems?’ isn’t that obvious when he is calling a therapist’s office? Would they ask him questions over the phone or would they just give him an appointed time when he was supposed to go there? 

He groaned and pushed the hand that was not holding the phone in a minor deathgrip through his hair, annoyed. This was way more complicated than he anticipated. Go see a therapist Osamu had said, it will be good for you, he said. Stupid Osamu. Perhaps he could bribe him to make the call for him, they shared the same DNA so there could not be that much of a noticeable difference when it came to their voices. Okay, he knew that that was not true, they sounded nothing alike, but the receptionist would not know that. If asked about it later on he could just say that he had been suffering from a minor cold that made him sound different. But if he did then he would have to fill him out on the specifics, if, once again, they would ask him questions as soon as they picked up the call. Which he could technically do, if he did it in writing. He did not want a repetition of the last time he came to visit or of the private car ride with Sakusa the night before. 

The only other time he had been to a therapist or more like a school counselor then, was during his first year in high school when every first year student went on a mandatory checkup. Should he expect the same? He sighed. This was way more important to learn in school than home economics. 

The screen darkened, threatening to die on him, so he swiped his finger briefly against the screen's surface making it brighten immediately. He could just not do it. He had only said that he would think about it and now he had. He never said anything about actually going through with it. 

He seriously considered it for a moment. What is the worst that could happen? A lot of things his mind provided annoyingly without his consent. 

What if someone leaked his information? The thought arrived like a toe curling punch to the gut. What if the news caught whiff of the fact that pro athlete Miya Atsumu went to a therapist? He would be done for if that happened. Okay, not literally, he would not lose his position on the team or anything but he would not be able to handle the press flocking around him, asking him ‘why?’ after one of their games. That would either steal away all the happiness that came with a good win, or make his already bad mood significantly worse. 

It was probably irrational, he knew. Whatever that was said within the confined walls of whoever he would meet’s office was probably confidential, but still. The second thing that was next in line when it came to the worst outcome was the fact that whatever happened yesterday, might happen again in an unforeseeable future. and that was almost, if not more terrifying, than his problems being outed to the public. Because then it would affect him and everyone close to him on a personal level. Because then he would have to explain himself. He could always deny rumours, but he would not be able to deny having a panic attack in front of someone he knew.

He pushed the button. He felt his heart race like he was competing in a triathlon trying for first place, when he lifted the phone to his ear. He heard the signal cut through the silence hovering in the space between his ear and the phone, before a mechanical voice sounded stating that; ‘You are second in the queue, thank you for waiting patiently’. 

The signals sounded again after that, and the process was started right over once more. He was informed about his placement in the queue three more times before he was answered by someone other than the apathetic voice. 

“Hello and welcome to xxx therapy clinic, how can I help you?”

“Hey, I’m Miya Atsumu and I, uh want ta make an appointment?” 

“Sure! Just hold on for a minute and I’ll check our schedule. Do you have any prefered day of the week to come here?” The receptionist seemed to be a woman his age, her voice was high-pitched but gentle to his ear. Whoever she was, she did seem to care that he sounded completely lost right now, and just continued asking him questions. Thankfully very trivial and non specific questions that probably followed some kind of protocol. 

He exhaled slowly and his shoulders sank from where they had been slightly pulled up to his ear, tense like all his muscles in his upper back and neck were contracting, making themselves prepared to give birth to all shit memories that he had through his neck and brain stem. He wished it worked like that though, that would be sweet relief. 

“Uh, no.” Then he added after a moment of thought; “Most days are fine.” The receptionist hummed softly on the other end, and he could vaguely hear the clatter of a keyboard being smashed repeatedly, but it was kind of a muffled and far away sound. Then it stopped. 

“So, it seems like someone has cancelled their appointment for Friday next week at three o’clock. We would be able to receive you then if you’re available?” 

“Yes that works, thanks.”

“Great, then we’ll be glad to have you next week!” 

“Yeah, bye.”   


“Bye.” 

He cut the call, and lowered his hand down onto his thigh. He did not know if it worked for him next Friday, he had not had any time for any critical thinking or bringing up his entire schedule, but as long as he did not have any away games that day, then it should probably be fine.

He fell over, so that his upper body rested firmly against the clean surface of the table he was sitting by, just breathing in the rich smell of his citrusy cleansing agent. He thought about it. No, they did not have a match that day, which was great, because he was not calling back there, no matter how polite and friendly their receptionist was. 

He sat back up again and brought his phone up to his face and unlocked it before typing out a short message. 

** < You:** I called. I hope yer happy bc it was fuckin’ terrifyin’. Not doin’ it again after this. 

** <Samu ** **< 3** **:** A therapist? Are ya sick or somethin’? Ya must be if yer actually listenin’ to me. 

** <You: ** Yes a therapist, ya scrub  ب_ب

** <Samu </3:** No but really, I’m proud of ya. If ya want ta talk ya know that ya can call me. 

** <You:** <3 <3 <3 

** <Samu <3:** <3

****

It was Friday, and he was sitting in the waiting room at the therapist’s office, sweating buckets. This was more nerve wracking than actually making the call, and he did not know where to look, not that there was much to look at anyways. At least he was the only one sitting down in here. 

When he had entered the building he had been met with the same woman that had answered his phone call last week. She seemed as nice in real life as she did over the phone, but it was significantly less comfortable to stand in front of a stranger that knew full well why he was here, in a sterile room filled with plants of various sizes and species, that was not his own kitchen. 

The woman had worn a name brick stitched to her blouse, and it read Kiyoko. Looking at the woman in front of him he could not say that he thought that it was anything other than fitting. She had big round hazel eyes, and light brown hair. Her cheeks were slightly chubby and dusted a muted red, and when he looked her in her eyes she averted her gaze shyly. She really seemed pure. 

He knew he was attractive so he was not surprised by the flustered appearance she had taken on, he was met with similar reactions quite often. He liked it, he did, and he did not mind if it was a man or a woman looking at him like that, he felt flattered nonetheless. And it was not like it was a secret that he played for both teams. 

But now, when he stood in front of the receptionist as she told him to sit down on one of the plush sofas in the tiny room, he could not help but laugh tiredly on the inside, because if she knew why he was here then she would probably want nothing to do with him. He would not want himself if he were standing in her shoes. 

The clock on the wall ticked by indifferently even as his mind made itself busy with telling him how gross he actually was. Since that night he had not actually thought much about it, he had tried to evade every thought that threatened to stray in that direction. But now when he really pondered it he felt that that was true. 

Who would want him now, if they knew what someone had been able to do to him, no matter if he was 187cm and built out of pure muscle? If he met someone who had been through something like this then of course he would not have put any blame on them, or thought that they were less of a being for it, but all his life people had complained about him. Told him that he was way too loud, way too rude, if they knew that they could add assaulted to that list then they would probably think he was even worse to be around. He wondered if Sakusa did. 

At that time someone other than Kiyoko entered the room, and hovered by the door that they had come through.

“Miya Atsumu?” He shot his head in the direction of the voice.

“Yeah.” He stood up a little uncertainly.

“I’m Tanaka Cho, I’m one of the therapists here at the clinic. Nice to meet you.” She stretched out her hand towards him, and he took it gingerly in his hand. 

Tanaka Cho was a tiny woman, she had to be at least 30 cm shorter than him and at least 20 years older, and had shoulder length black hair. Her eyes were dark, just black irises that shut out any light even attempting to reflect itself in their depth. Her eyes vaguely resembled Sakusas’ Atsumu thought. But only when it came to the colour of them because where Sakusas’ eyes were wide opened and only squinted together when he was everything from moderately to really annoyed, Tanaka-sans’ eyes were foxlike and they were plastered to him with an analyzing gaze. 

They let go of each other’s hands and Tanaka-san held the door open for him, leading him further into the building through a long and narrow corridor with multiple doors on either side of it. 

“We’re going to the room furthest down to the right.” She directed him. He noticed that he was not really all that stressed anymore, it was like Tanaka-sans firm presence worked like a calming blanket that covered him from head to toe. 

Walking into the room she had told him about, he looked around it briefly. There was two chairs standing by a small square table and on the table a container with napkins stood symbolically. Daring him to try not to cry once this thing got started. He just knew that he would not be able to stop himself from crying when they actually started talking, that was just the way he worked. 

There was also a computer desk that was neatly organized, and a computer that lay limply on its surface. 

He sat down on one of the chairs, and Tanaka-san occupied the other. She looked at him, and crossed his legs. 

“So, tell me why you’re here.”   


****

“You’re suffering from trauma, most people do after having experienced an assault like that.”

“Is, Is that bad?” It sounded bad. 

“Obviously the circumstances around why the trauma came to be are bad, but the trauma itself is not necessarily something bad in that that it does not absolutely interfere with your normal life, and relations. If it does, then that can be a problem. ”

“Oh.” 

“Getting trauma after a traumatic event is nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s more common than people seem to think. Sometimes it does not even have to be anything major that has happened but people still get it. It all depends on the person.” 

Atsumu pulled out another napkin from out of the container and wiped his eyes and nose before scrunching it up in his hand. It had felt so good to have his feeling validated by someone that actually worked with this kind of things that he had started crying only a few minutes after sitting down. She had told him that it was not his fault that that happened and that it had not mattered that he had been drunk. He wanted to believe it, and most of him did, but there was one tiny fraction of his brain that wanted to tell him that it probably was his fault anyways. He told Tanaka-san that as well, and she told him that he seemed to have a tendency to blame himself for things that were mostly out of his immediate control. 

“I know that it can be hard, but it is something that you should work on to at least try to stop blaming yourself, because it truly is not your fault.”

“I know, but, it doesn’t work.”

“It does, it just takes time.” He wiped away at the new wave of tears that welled up in his eyes, threatening to spill. Okay really, now it was just to excess there was nothing remotely sad about that statement it was just an objective truth. 

“Do you have any healthy coping mechanisms you use to do in order to stop yourself from panicking or spiraling when you remember that incident?”

“Well, I’ve always played volleyball, but I don’t know if that counts?”   


“Sure it does. Physical activity is an important key to managing one’s mental health as well, but it’s important to keep it to a healthy degree so that you don’t accidentally crash the other way.” He thought about that. 

Volleyball was, and had perhaps always been, one of his first and foremost supporting pillars. If that was taken away from him and if he would be rendered unable to play, then he honestly had no idea what to do. He would cling to volleyball for as long as he could and probably a bit further still, so setting one foot in his volleyball career’s grave earlier needlessly seemed unneeded. 

“It’s also good to talk to people you trust about your feelings even if you come here again, because recovery isn’t linear, and there might be times when you get caught up in your head even if you felt fine just before.” 

****

“I think we should book another appointment, if you want.” 

“Yeah, I would like that.” 

“Does the same time two weeks from now work for you?” This time he actually thought about it. 

“I think so.” 

“Great, then we’ll see each other then. You can also call us anytime you want if you have any questions or things like that.” He nodded and stood up as Tanaka-san did the same. She led him back down the corridor until they were both standing in the waiting room where they had first met. Walking out tasted like relief, and it almost felt like he was hovering a few inches over the solid ground beneath. 

“It was good to meet you Miya-san.”

“You too.” She smiled at him, and the crowfeet at her eyes crinkled as she did. She kind of had a motherly aura to her, and he had to force himself not to hug her. She patted him a little on his arm, before returning back into the hallway and closing the door behind her leaving him standing there. He walked over to Kiyoko who was still standing by the reception, and when he got up to her, she smiled at him a little pityingly but he did not mind it that much. He could see where the sentiment came from. He probably looked like he had been tortured or something, his eyes red and swollen from all the crying he had done. 

“Are you okay?” She asked him.

“Yeah, I’m good.” She smiled at him again before she started tapping away on the keyboard hidden behind the enormous stationary computer screen standing in front of it. 

“Then that will be 7350 yen.”

****

“Here, you’ll get chronically dehydrated by the way you’re sweating.” Sakusa held out his water bottle in front of him, close enough for him to see the subtle details of the condensated water glistening on the plastic surface. He took it from Sakusa’s hand. 

“Thanks Omi-kun, but ya know I would be good looking even if I was dehydrated.” He said with a smile. Sakusa did not seem to agree and scrunched up his nose. 

“I hope you get kidney failure.” 

“Don’t say that Omi, ya know that ya love me~” Sakusa did not confirm or deny that and instead he walked away a bit from Atsumu leaving him there laughing a bit for himself. 

“What’s up with him?” Bokuto walked over to him with his eyebrows raised impossibly high, almost making them fuse with his hairline, clearly confused or something akin to that feeling.    


“I don’t know.” He answered with a light shrug of his shoulders. 

“He’s acting weird though.. Perhaps he has done something illegal and needs you as his alibi?” 

“Ya really think he would do that?”

“I don’t know, he looks like he could be a villain in a thriller movie so I guess.” Bokuto looked like this was a serious philosophical question by the way he held his chin in between his thumb and index finger with a grave expression painting his face. 

He looked at Sakusa and tried to picture him as the main villain. He guessed that it was kind of true, because he did look intimidating even when doing nothing more than standing.

After the night when Sakusa had driven him home, something had changed in their dynamic. Or not really, they still bickered and Omi shut him down every chance he got when Atsumu pestered him enough, but something had still undeniably changed. He had started calling him Atsumu for one which still puzzled him. 

But at first it had not been very noticeable, and things had actually been kind of tense for a while until everything went back to the normal state of yeet or get yeeted. It was things like how Sakusa would begin to hover around him a little more, and how Atsumu caught glimpses of him standing on the other side of the court looking at him. He did not mind it, he liked Sakusa, he was fun to be around even if fun was not something most would attribute to him. 

It was just amusing to get under his skin, and crack that cleverly crafted mask of indifference. But even if an annoyed Sakusa was a good, an amused Sakusa was even better. The few times that Sakusa smiled a bit when he popped a joke felt like heaven come to earth. So no, he did not dislike being further exposed to Sakusa. And if he had been nursing a minor crush on him since his highschool days then no one needed to know that. It was not his fault that he was wired so that he liked being put in place, and that Sakusa provided just that. Though, it was nothing all consuming and time expensive though, it was not like he spent most of his days fantasising about waking up beside him or cooking dinner with him, or anything sappy and domestic stuff like that. He knew that it would not happen, and that was pointedly why he went out sleeping with other people or having shorter flings with people he knew he would not stay with for long. He was content with that, volleyball was his first and foremost priority, and he would not want to gamble that in favor of getting entangled in some messy and unneeded long distance relationship. Or floating around on cloud nine because of his teammate. 

But Sakusa had started to clung to him like a baby ape, for some reason.  Though without actually touching him. He never really did, not him or anyone else either, keeping his distance whenever he could. Atsumu respected that, he knew that Sakusa did not really like being surrounded by flocks of fans or the press either, preferring to escape back into the locker rooms after a game instead of being bombarded by people wanting to wrangle an interview or a statement out of him. And sure he liked to mess with him, but he would never actually do anything that crossed Sakusa’s boundaries. He was not that kind of asshole.

And perhaps that was the reason that he had started to notice the way his heart would speed up dangerously like he was dangling over the edge of going into cardiac arrest. He did not want to get more attached to Sakusa than was needed but it got hard to effectively prevent that when Sakusa was in his immediate sphere of existence most of the time. 

It did not matter though, the likelihood that Sakusa actually had some kind of interest in him was next to zero and he did not want to feed into his own feelings when that was the case. But it was harder to say that than to actually achieve it, and looking at Sakusa now still standing beside him but a little way off to the side, doing nothing but drinking water out of a neon green plastic water bottle, he could not help the way his traitorous heart made advanced gymnastics in his chest cavity like his life depended on winning the gold medal. 

Shit.

****

A few weeks later, they were all sitting in Bokuto’s apartment watching the most recent game between the Adlers and the Red Falcons. They did this because they had an upcoming game against the Red Falcons soon, and they had two new players on the starting line who were both fresh out of highschool so they had not seen them play before. It was always difficult to get new players like that under their collective thumb, because there was not much information on them. And even if there were on tape matches since their highschool years then that was not very reliable information either, since much could have happened since then. Being around a bunch of hardened pro-volleyball players would do that to a person. 

Atsumu was tired, they were all just done with practice and he had not slept well that night either, so he did not think that he would be able to do much analyzing with the way his eyes were already straining to keep themselves completely open in the dim room that was only lit up by the big screen in front of them. It probably did not matter though, because he was fairly certain that they would do a walkthrough of it once more before the actual game. 

The shadows of the shifting light and the never ending change of angles and slow motion cuts danced behind him on the walls, making the brightness inside the room vary. 

“Omi-san do you want some?”   


“No thanks.” Sakusa moved away when Hinata stretched out the bowl of sweet potato chips that Hinata had apparently made himself. When asked about it he had said that he wanted chips but did not want to stray too far off from his usual diet. Atsumu had to say that it was kind of dedicated of him, because if he really felt the need to eat something with the nutritional value of a rock, he would never go that far to remain faithful to his own diet and instead walk into the nearest convenience store. 

He could guess why Sakusa did not want it though. A bowl where most of them had whisked around with their hands without a care in the world, did not seem like a place Sakusa wanted to put his own hands. Who could tell how big that cesspool of germs was? Hinata took the bowl back. 

“I want some!”

“Bokkun ya’ve already eaten like half of the bowl, slow down or yer stomach gonna cramp up.” Atsumu felt the need to speak up when Bokuto reached for the bowl again. Hinata did not seem to mind that most of his chips were taken away from him though, and just let him. 

“Nah I’m good!” He said and stuffed his mouth with another mouthful, chewing happily. 

“You’re so good at making these!” 

“Thank you!” Hinata said with a bright smile that made the entire room light up like it was midday. He wondered if he had always been that way or perhaps it was genetic. He had met Hinata’s little sister a few times before and she seemed to be the same. 

He could vaguely make out Hinata telling Bokuto that he could give him the recipe later if he wanted it, and Bokuto agreeing enthusiastically. His eyelids were drooping again though, and he resettled on the couch, accidentally nudging Sakusa who sat beside him. 

“Have you even slept at all? You look like you dying.” 

“I’ve slept some.” 

“You sure? I think I saw you nodding away during practice as well.” 

“Yeah I’m sure.” He had slept. Technically. Just not very good. But he did not want to tell Sakusa that he had had a nightmare that had kept him from sleeping anymore after 3 am. It did not happen often, but it happened sometimes, and when it did then it was enough to throw his entire sleep schedule of the boat, leaving it to drown out at sea. 

“Are ya worried Omi?” 

“No, but we need a setter that can actually see the court.” 

“Ya make it sound that I’m like this all the time.” Sakusa did not answer and Atsumu let his head fall back against the backrest. Sure he had been sleeping a little worse than he usually did, and sure, he had some vague nightmares sometimes about laying down on a stranger’s bed and someone holding onto his shoulders, stopping him from moving as a solid weight sat over him, but it was not that bad. 

He tried to keep his eyes open, but the urge to close his eyes for a while won over his want to watch the game. It was a fight he was bound to lose from the beginning. 

****

He awoke shortly after falling asleep, or at least it felt like he did, but for all that he knew he could have been out for everything from minutes to hours. Okay, perhaps not hours, because he did not think the rest of them would be dicks enough to not wake him up and inform him that they were leaving. 

He tried to make his brain more awake by blinking a few times, and rubbing at them with his hand. Sharp colour came into view, making him squint his eyes at the stark contrast they provided from the bland darkness that had occupied his dreamscape. Sound filtered in through his ears, and he noticed that the match was still ongoing on the TV in front of him, and the others had not in fact left him to sleep the night on Bokuto’s sofa. Not that he actually thought that Bokuto would mind his staying here for the night. He would probably be glad and make him watch either something animated or a romantic drama movie to match the man himself. 

He moved his head and felt it leaning on something sharp and warm. He glanced up, and oh. No. The firm thing he was resting on was nothing other than Sakusa’s shoulder and he felt dread rise through his chest almost as rapidly as heat exploded in his face. 

He did not know what to do. This was not the direction he thought his day would go in. 

There really were only two viable options to choose between, either he could pretend to still be asleep, blatantly ignoring all the moving around that he had done before that clearly made it known that he was in fact not asleep, or he could sit up and pretend that that had not happened. 

He opted for sitting up but as unsuspiciously as he could. Sakusa would probably not say anything about it because he would probably want to forget about the health risk he had taken by not pushing Atsumu away.

“Oh, he’s awake.” Meian noted from his position on the floor in front of the couch. 

“Poor Sakusa, you drooled all over his shirt.” Shion added with a teasing lilt to his voice. He squinted his eyes again and looked at Sakusa’s shirt, and sure enough he could see a damp spot standing on full display. The spot seemed to stare right back at him like it also wondered why it was plastered to Sakusa’s shirt. He had no answer to provide it with, instead he briefly wondered how many would be attending his soon to be held funeral. 

“Look we took some photos!” Bokuto said and held out his phone for him to see. Suddenly he was violently reminded of being around Suna during highschool. That man had had enough blackmail material to take over the entire school just by threatening pupils and teachers alike. 

“Why wouldja do that?” His voice was grated and thick with sleep and his mind had not caught up with everything that was happening just yet. But the loudness of Bokuto’s voice as he prattled on made him want to retreat further away from the noise, until his mind did not feel like it had been rubbed raw by sleep. 

“Well I think they were kind of cute.” Bokuto answered like it was the obvious answer. 

“The others took some as well though so it wasn’t just me!” That did not make it better.

“Yer all gangin’ up on me!” He could not believe this. 

“It’s all good fun, don’t be mad. If it makes you feel better you do look cute when you’re sleeping.” Thomas said, and that is how you should pick up the shattered bits and pieces of a man’s self-image. Okay that was only partially true, because he still felt a little betrayed and butthurt at having been disrespected like this, but he did feel better knowing that he did not look like a crazed meth addict when sleeping. Call him vain but a fish is still a fish. 

During this whole exchange Sakusa had not said a word, and the pressing silence that occupied the seat beside him, made him feel on edge. He could still see the wet stain on his shoulder, and he did not want to think about what Sakusa was feeling about that. But even if he would rather just forget about the fact that that had happened, he still felt like an apology was due to be given, because he had, albeit unmeaningly and unconsciously, realized what he imagined Sakusa’s worst nightmare to be, and to not at least soothe the wound with an upright apology seemed like a jerk move. 

“I’m sorry fer droolin’ on ya Omi..” He said it quietly so that not everyone sitting in the tiny room would hear him stumble out an apology about him drooling on someone. 

“It’s fine. I’ll just wash it.” 

”Oh ‘kay.” That seemed easy enough, but he was also moderately surprised that that was the only thing Sakusa seemingly thought about it. Washing it was the normal approach to getting drool on one’s shirt, but Sakusa was not everybody else and Atsumu had thought that he would burn the shirt before burying him alive. It would not matter if they were living in Osaka where most of the city consisted of concrete, he would dig right through that as well and still get away with it. 

Even through the relief flooding through his system at knowing that he was not at an immediate danger at being murdered, he could still feel his cheeks still burn just as wildly as they had done before and his heart was pumping around enough blood to give electricity to an entire apartment complex. Perhaps his crush was not as minor as he thought. 

He could hear the way Bokuto gasped, clearly he was not the only one that found the continuity of his life peculiar.  The others seemed to be almost as surprised but they did not say anything, except for Shion who rested his chin on his arm that was slung over the edge of the couch and who looked between them with a smile tugging at the edges of his lips.

“Are you guys together?” Atsumu sputtered. 

“N- no, why, are ya jealous?” 

“You can have him. No offence Omi-kun.” 

“None taken.” 

“Oh my god, Omi-kun and Tsumu are dating.” Bokuto said.

“I’m so happy for you!” Hinata added and Atsumu felt like he was drowning in a room full of airheads. Why would they even think that? Was it so easy to see right through him and get a grasp on what his feelings were?

“No we’re not datin’!” He was flustered and warm, his body temperature must be three degrees hotter than it should, and the sweat coating his face must have been blood seeping out from the pressure the blush put on his face. At this point the blush made itself known only because of how flustered he was though. 

“Are you sure?” Bokuto asked suspiciously.

“Yeah!” 

“Huh.”

****

“Do you want to go out with me?” It was not posed like a question but rather a definite statement, that only had room for a simple true or false. Yes or no. 

“Huh?” 

“On a date.” Sakusa clarified. 

Sakusa did not look like he was asking him out. They were both standing at the sidelines of the court, relishing in the brief water break that they had been granted. So being a little startled at being asked out here, by Sakusa, when the both of them were sweating buckets and gulping down water life their life depended on it, seemed like a valid reaction. 

“Ya want ta go on a date with me?” He almost felt the need to look around the arena to see if he was talking to someone else, but Sakusas’ eyes were stuck to his face like glue so he probably was not. Atsumu felt his face heat up dangerous, a testament to the curious amount of blood that rushed to his head making him a little bit lightheaded. 

“Regrettably. It’s fine if you don’t.” Sakusa said sarcastically, shrugging his shoulders. 

“No I want ta, I’m just surprised.” Then he added; “Yer not jokin’ right?”   


“Do you really think that this would be my idea of a joke?” A part of him wanted to tell him that yes that seemed entirely plausible. Sakusa’s humour was something that some people did not pick up on because it was so subtle and bordering on blatantly rude comments, and this seemed like something that could fit into that category of the rare instances when he actually would crack a joke. 

“...No?” Sakusa looked at him unimpressed and turned to walk away from this and his earlier question. 

“No, don’t go Omi-kun, ya hafta let me in on where we’re goin’ y’know?” 

“Where do you want to go?” Sakusa asked him right back. 

“It doesn’t matter, ya can choose.” 

****

He remembered the first time he had met Sakusa clearly. It had been during his first spring interhigh tournament during his first year in highschool. Sakusa had been standing on the other side of the court with that ridiculous neon coloured team jersey with dark curls cascading over his pale face, and his eyes impossibly dark. At that point in time he had not really cared much about him, he was just one out of six warm sweaty bodies moving along the floor. But his bored and sometimes slightly annoyed expression when they scored against them, still singled him out because it looked like someone had forced him onto the court. 

In all honesty he was not at all as handsome then as he was now, because at that time he was more a tall and lanky gremling, and less a man with muscles to spare and height enough to tower over most people on a regular day. Still handsome, sure, but with untamed curls and a boyish built. 

But as the game continued on he had understood that he only looked bored. He was not actually. Because he recognized the dedication to the sport by the way he did his utmost, taking every opportunity to smash the ball onto the other side of the court. And when Atsumu first was on the receiving end of that deadly spike with its even more lethal spin, he could not do anything to restrain the excitement that boiled in his gut. 

Even after the game when they would all shake hands, after Itachiyama narrowly escaped with the win, he had felt a little excited about being up close to the boy with the freakish wrists. He had noticed then that he was quite a bit taller than him probably edging on going into the 190s. He had also noticed the small and parallel moles sticking to his forehead. Like a power outlet.

When it was their turn to shake hands it had been brief and Sakusa had pulled away as fast as he could, wiping his hand over the nylon fabric of his shorts. 

“Ya have a good form when ya spike.” He had said smugly, but Sakusa had just looked at him with a downturn of his lips, as if he was a pile of shit he had accidentally stepped in, and was now struggling to get it off his shoes without coming in contact with it. He had only continued to smile though, because if he was considered self-confident and obnoxious now when he was in his twenties then that was nothing in comparison to when he was 16. 

That was the last time he saw him before the All Youth Japan Training Camp during his second year, and then suddenly he was once again standing in front of the familiar face he had seen almost a year back, standing in the same room he was supposed to sleep in. He was sitting on the bed to the left, reading through the time schedule they had been given upon arrival. Atsumu had scoffed internally at that. But he had not been surprised. Sakusa did seem like someone that would read through something so uninteresting as a form of entertainment. 

“Kiyoomi-kun!” 

“Don’t call me something so familiar, it’s rude.” 

“Omi-kun, don’t be so prickly.” Sakusa had glared at him, clearly not appreciating the nickname. 

It was during that week that Atsumu had started liking the boy. Okay, like might be too strong a word, but he had been intrigued. He had started to notice all the little things that Sakusa did that he considered a little weird, like the way he always washed his hands three times in a row like it was a lucky charm, before drying them off with his own handkerchief that he carried inside the pocket of his zip up jacket. Or the way he would sleep like a lodge on his back.

He had also liked him because their constant bickering and fights kept the homesickness at bay since it kind of reminded him of Osamu, but at the same time it did not. Sakusa was not at all like Osamu, he had no sense of humour, and he was ruder even than Atsumu was. And after a while he started to think that he probably did not like him as much as he had initially thought, because Sakusa would shut him down even if he was honestly just only trying to be friendly. 

Which was curious considering he would jerk of like a maniac to the mental picture of Sakusa’s face when he was alone in the showers, all in a undecidable combination of irritation and the extremly high sex drive of a teenage boy. 

Okay so perhaps he hate-liked him a bit, but no one needed to know that except for himself. 

Though he thought that the feeling was probably not mutual. Sakusa did not seem like he actually enjoyed his company much but endured it for the sake of being able to play volleyball. He did not even know if Sakusa liked dudes. He had never talked about someone he was into when the others did, and he never gave his own input when the others talked about girls either. Though perhaps it was not so hard to guess why if he actually did like other guys, Atsumu did not talk about it either even if he was mostly out in the open about being bi. Something about being surrounded by a bunch of highschool boys and saying that ‘yeah I wouldn’t mind sleeping with a guy’ seemed a little unnecessary. 

After that they really only met each other two times more, both times during tournaments, before they graduated from highschool and Atsumu left to go pro, while Sakusa went to college. And after that he kind of forgot about the other, thinking he would not see him again. 

And now when they were strolling around inside the Osaka aquarium he could not help but think about how much had actually changed since they were two rude and hormonal teenagers. 

This is not what he thought that Sakusa’s idea of a first date would be, not that he was complaining. It was kind of relaxing to walk inside the tunnels aching above them, and see a whale shark alongside other smaller fish float ominously above them. But when Atsumu told him that he would not want to meet one of those while swimming in the ocean Sakusa had told him that whale sharks were in fact not dangerous and that they mostly just eat small fish and plankton. 

In fact Sakusa seemed to be very well learned when it came to ocean animals and looked at the fishes happily, with a small smile spreading on his lips. It was endearing to a dangerous idea and he feared that he would get into cardiac arrest when he saw it, considering the way his heart beat. 

“I thought ya didn’t like the sea.” 

“I don’t, it’s dirty.”

“Then why didja take me here?” He was just genuinely curious.

“You don’t like it?”

“I do, m’just curious.” Sakusa looked at him before looking away. 

“I’ve never really gone on dates before, so I asked Motoya for help.” Sakusa still did not look directly at him, and it almost seemed like he was embarrassed. 

“Stop, my heart can’t take it Omi!” 

“What?”   


“Yer so cute it’s dangerous!” He said with a groan and clenched his shirt above his heart dramatically as an emphasis to how he was feeling. He looked at Sakusa who had scrunched his nose up like he did not really agree, but he could also see a faint blush creeping its way up Sakusa’s otherwise pale neck and face. 

“So I’m yer first date Omi? I’m flattered.” 

“Don’t be, I’m reevaluating that decision more and more for every second that goes by.” 

“Don’t say that I know ya like me~” He said and unclenched his hand, and instead he grabbed onto Sakusa’s sleeve instead. He was careful not to actually touch him, but Sakusa did not seem to mind and grabbed onto his hand instead. 

“Omi, are ya okay with that? I might be dirty.” Sakusa held onto him firmly, and Atsumu was paralyzed, hand limp in Sakusa’s grip. Was this really okay? He did not want Sakusa to do anything he did not want.

“It’s fine if it’s you. I also saw you wash your hands before.” The strangers walking past them must have really wondered why there were two portable red lights walking around an aquarium, since both of them were blushing furiously. Atsumu had never seen Sakusa blush like this, and he honestly did not think it was possible, but now he was and it was a pretty sight even though he looked a little bit disappointed in himself for having actually said that first part out loud. 

“So it’s just ‘cause ya already knew I was fine, d’ya even love me Omi-kun?” Then he opened his mouth again ready to let out something to tease him but Sakusa cut him short. 

“Don’t say it. It will go to your head.”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything about that!”

“Really?” 

“Yeah ‘was gonna say that yer blushing.” 

“I’m breaking up with you.” 

“No don’t Omi, I’ll give ya a kiss if ya don’t.” 

“Gross.

Do it before I change my mind.” Atsumu leaned in and pulled the white surgical mask covering Sakusa’s face down under his chin, before pressing his lips to Sakusas’. It was nothing more than the gentle press of their lips, and it was over almost as quickly as it had come creeping around the corner, but that was enough for butterflies to erupt like a hailstorm in his stomach. Their fluttering wings tickling his organs and his heart. Breaking apart felt like a loss when the warmth that had rested on his lips evaporated instantly, but the happy feeling remained. 

“So yer not breakin’ up with me?” 

“No. I guess not.” 

****

Going to talk to Tanaka-san became somewhat of a weekly occurrence, and it felt good to be able to talk his mind regularly. He really felt that he started to get better. He had not felt himself going down the endless rabbit hole for weeks, and he did not think of that night as much either. 

It tasted like relief on his tongue and he drank it up greedily. He and Sakusa were getting on great as well which only heightened his improved everything further. It felt a little strange though to know that they were actually together, that he was allowed to kiss him and hug him, and not just think about it. Perhaps he was something akin to a hopeless romantic, but so what?

Sakusa did not seem to mind it either, and sometimes he would tug on his sleeve discretely until Atsumu caught the hint and held his hand. It was fine like this, but a part of him wanted to go further. 

“D’ya want ta have sex?” They were both sitting on Atsumu’s couch in Atsumu’s apartment, watching some shitty romance movie. It was not anything special but it had been one of his favorite movies during highschool, and thus he wanted Sakusa to see it as well, even if he was not as engrossed by the plot as he was. 

“Right now?” He looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“No, but sometime.” 

“If you want to.” Even if Sakusa did not say it Atsumu could still hear the question hanging in the air between them, ‘do you feel ready for that?’. They had not talked about that thing after Atsumu had told him about it, but it was clearly something significant for both of them. It would be impossible for it to not be, but Atsumu felt that he had been doing so good for a while that it should not affect anything anymore. At least he hoped that that would be the case because jerking off in the shower like he had when he were younger did feel a little pathetic when he actually had a boyfriend. 

It was also frustrating to have a body that wanted something but a mind that felt the need to protect him from that very same thing. 

“I do.”

****

Oh yeah by the way I have a boyfriend now.” 

“Who? Do I know ‘im?” 

“I guess, he’s on my team. The one with bendy wrists ya know.”

“Oh yeah I remember ‘im. Ma’ll be happy, ya should bring ‘im home sometime, though I don’t get how ya got ‘im, he’s way smarter than ya are.” 

“At least I have a boyfriend ya scrub!” 

“So? I have a food chain.”

“Are ya gonna marry food?” 

“Probably.” He could hear the shrug through the phone without even seeing him. 

“He’s treatin’ ya good right?”

“Yes ‘course he does!” He could not even picture a reality in which Sakusa would contribute to the domestic abuse numbers, it did not matter if he looked like a villain character. In fact he was fairly certain that Sakusa had a very pure moral compass, even if he was crude sometimes. 

“Good, because ya know that ya deserve it right?” Osamu sounded serious and Atsumu did not doubt that he was being just that. 

“Stop talkin’ like that or I’ll actually start ta think that ya like me ‘Samu!” 

“No but really.” 

“Yeah yeah. I know.” He was sitting on a bench by a bus stop, waiting for his bus to arrive so that he could get home from having been strolling around in Dotonbori with Hinata and Bokuto all day. It was an exhausting chore but he really enjoyed it. An older lady was sitting beside him on the bench, looking frail and withered, and he noticed the way she was looking at him a little from out of the corner of her eye.

“How long have ya been seein’ each other?” He could hear rustling on Osamu’s side of the phone, before a loud chewing was heard through the speaker. 

“Ew gross I can hear ya smacking in my ear!” The lady sitting beside him flinched and glanced at him again at the sudden outburst before she moved further away from him down the bench. He felt a little bad for it, but at the same time most people would react the same way if someone started eating loudly directly into their fucking earcanal.

“It’s my lunch break I hafta. Don’t change the subject.” Why did people think that Osamu was the more likeable twin? Sometimes he was a little disgusting. Like now.

“A few weeks.”

Ya should’ve seen ‘im yesterday he made me fuckin’ dinner, and he’s a way better cock than ya are.” Sakusa was in fact not better at cooking than Osamu. His food was edible and it was cute that he cooked for him, but when it came to skill then it was barely better than his own food. That did not mean that he did not appreciate it though. 

“Sure he is.” Of course Osamu knew he was not. 

“Are ya fine with y’know. Stuff?” It was a vague question but it was still obvious what it was about. He did not mind that Osamu was asking but he wished that he did not feel the need to. He could take care of himself just fine, even if some people did not seem to think so after what had happened. Which was just stupid, he thought as he kicked a stone that lay on the rough concrete ground below. 

“We haven’t done anythin’ like that.”

“Well just don’t do anythin’ ya don’t want ta ‘kay?” 

“Ya don’t need ta tell me that, I wouldn’t.” 

****

It was Tuesday and he was sitting inside the locker room. They had just finished up training and all of them were feeling like death himself had come knocking on their door, asking to be let in, because this had been one hell of a session. His arms were shaking whenever he lifted them, even if it were just a tiny bit, and walking down a flight of stairs felt like challenging his own mortality with the way he had to grip onto the railing just so that he would not fall down it instead of walking down it. 

Sakusa was also limping slightly but he did not complain about how exhausted he was out loud as they made their way outside towards Sakusa’s car. Sakusa had offered to take him home and he had accepted with tears of joy rolling down his face. Okay not really, but he was thankful that he would not have to wait for a bus for 30 minutes, or worse, walk all the way home in his current state. 

The sky above them was clear blue and the sun was warming up his face sweetly. At least it was not freezing cold anymore, even if his body hurt like a bitch.

The black car they were aiming for appeared in the horizon and its blank surface reflected the soft spring sunshine. When they were but a few feets away Sakusa unlocked the car, making the cars’ lights flash in tandem. Sakusa took a step forward and opened the door and Atsumu walked as fast as he could over to the other side even though it felt like his muscles were pulling themselves apart and then stitching themselves together again while doing so. 

The duffle bag he was carrying was thrown carelessly into the backseat as he leaned into the car, before he turned around facing front and fell down onto the seat. Sinking down onto the soft cushion of the black leather seat and finally being able to relax all his body felt amazing, even though sitting down hurt like he had seated himself on a thick butcher knife and now it was now digging into the sore flesh of his thigh. He groaned as he exhaled a breath loudly. 

“Yer gonna hafta carry me in bridal style Omi, I don’t think I’ll be able ta move for days after this.”   


“You have legs, use them.”   


“Yer so heartless, don’t ya see that I’m sufferin’?”

“Yer a pro athlete ‘Tsumu.” He said, in a lackluster imitation of his accent. He did a bad job at imitating kansai-ben really. He put emphasis on the wrong syllables and he had not really pinned down the differences between the grammar of the Kansai dialect and that of standard japanese. The fact that his face remained as neutral even when stumbling around not knowing what to say and how made it even better. 

“I don't sound like that ya know.” He said laughing even though every chuckle ripping through his body felt like it was taking his organs up with them. 

“Don’t you?”    


“No, but yer not too far off.” He was. 

“I won’t carry you, but I’ll let you cling to me if you want.” Atsumu smiled brightly. 

“Okay I’ll hold ya to that.” Sakusa pushed the key inside the ignition, and turned the key making the car choke on a cough before starting up a low humming. Then he turned around putting an arm behind Atsumu’s headrest and looking back while slowly beginning to back out from the parking lot. 

As they rolled out onto the main road, Atsumu reached out to turn on the radio. The only problem was that he did not know where that was done and he accidentally turned the air conditioner on instead. He swiftly tried to turn it off but accidentally made the air woshing in and around the car’s interior worse. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Tryin’ ta turn on the radio but yer car is weird.”   


“It’s not weird, you’re just not doing it right.” Sakusa said and pushed a button, and sure enough music started to flood through the air. 

“Thanks Omi.” He did not recognize the music because it was something western, but the beat was good and soon enough he found himself humming along to the tune. It sounded happy and playful and he wondered if this was what Sakusa used to listen to or if it was just a coincidence that this song was the one playing. 

“D’ya like western music?”   


“Yeah, but I listen to it mostly because I don’t want to lose my English.” 

“Can ya translate it?” 

“You know English.” 

“Yeah but it’s harder ta catch onto what they’re sayin’ when they’re singin’. Y’know with how it blends together with the music. Also I didn’t go to college.”

He did translate it, and it was not what Atsumu had been thinking. It was sad as could be, and if this was what Sakusa listened to on a regular basis to brush up on his english then he understood why the man looked so gloomy sometimes. 

“What the hell? Then why does it sound so happy?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Are ya fine listenin’ ta this?”

“It’s just a song.” 

“Okay if ya say so.” 

It did not take long before they were parked outside the apartment complex. Looking out of the window he could see his windows looking down at him from above. Shit, he really did not look forward to walking up the stairs to the fourth floor. He guessed he could take the elevator but that was a gamble he did not really feel intrigued to partake in, because if he lost then that meant that he would be stuck in an elevator for ages. The elevator was ominous like that. 

“Ya hafta hold up yer end of the bargain now Omi.” Sakusa hummed.    


“Do you want to stay the night instead?”   


“Yeah sure.” Thank god, first floor. 

It was not the first time he had slept over at Sakusa’s place, he even had a permanent toothbrush there now and an extra change of clothes, but he still felt his heart still for a moment before starting to pump blood frantically around his body from the sheer excitement that came with staying over. 

“But ya know ya should’ve asked me earlier ‘cause now ya’ve wasted gas.”

****

They were standing in the bathroom brushing their teeth. It was almost 9 pm and tomorrow was early practice again. The soreness had eased a bit and left only slight dull pain when he stretched his muscles or sat down. The real hell would start tomorrow and he wondered how he would be able to get out of bed in the morning. 

They had both showered, and Atsumu’s hair was dripping, rolling down the gentle slope of his back. Sakusa was the same and a white towel clung to his waist, dipping down to reveal the soft expanse of skin marked by a few moles. 

Since the first time he was over at Sakusa a few weeks back he had noticed that Sakusa brushed his teeth twice. He finished the first round, rinsed out and started over from square one. When asked why he had just said that it did not feel as clean after just one time. Fair enough Atsumu had though and did the same. He did it only when he was with Sakusa, not actually bothering to do it at home, but it felt like respecting Sakusa’s boundaries if he mimicked him when it came to this. It was not like it was difficult to do. 

He spit out the foam filling up his mouth into the sink, taking care to lean as far down he could without it being considered weirdly close to the surface before washing it down with the steady flow of water erupting from the facet. The sound of it filled the room, echoing between the pale and undecorated walls, and was accompanied by the dedicated brushing of Sakusa who still had not finished his second round. 

“I’ll go out Omi.” Sakusa hummed around the toothbrush poking and prodding at his white teeth and Atsumu walked out into the bedroom that the bathroom was connected to. He removed the towel hanging around him and folded it before placing it on a stool standing in the corner of the room. The cold air in the room whisked around his exposed form and he reached for the pajama pants in the wardrobe. The pair that he kept here just in case.

He had bought them some time after they got together. Originally a set with one shirt and a pair of pants but he never really wore a shirt to bed, so he had given it to Sakusa. ‘So that we’ll match’ he had said. They were blue and checkered and made out of 100% organic cotton, and he had guessed that that was the reason Sakusa had actually accepted it. 

He pulled them on before he lay down on his stomach with his face pressed into the soft fabric of a pillow and breathed in deeply. It smelled like Sakusa.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothin’.” 

“Were you smelling the pillow?”

“No ‘course not!” Atsumu’s head shot up and looked at him face red and he scrambled for something to say in his defence. He had not smelled the pillow, he had breathed when he was on top of it. Saying that he had smelled it made it seem like he was an old perverted man. 

Sakusa walked towards the wardrobe as well and pulled out a pair of boxers and the shirt that matched Atsumu’s pants. 

“It looked like you did to me.” Sakusa said with a smug expression as he turned towards him. Atsumu ducked his head down again to avoid Sakusas’ eyes. 

“Yer wrong.” 

“Then why are you blushing?”

“I’m not!” He turned slightly to the side, so that part of his face was visible and so that what he said was not muffled and killed by the thickness of the down inside the pillow. He searched for Sakusa’s form, but that was a mistake. Sakusa had just put on the shirt and removed the towel hanging from his hips. The shirt still covered most of him but he could still catch a glimpse of his ass when he moved and bent forward, putting on his boxers. He turned back into the pillow and tried to think of something else that was less exciting. Granny. Muscle pain. Driving a car. 

He heard the lightswitch being turned off and even with his eyes closed and face pressed into the pillow he could still see the room grow darker. Then the bed dipped and the sound of the blankets rustling reached his ears like static as Sakusa sat down on the bed before making his way underneath the blanket. Then he heard Sakusa turn on the lamp above the bed with a soft click instead, and him picking something up from the bedside table. 

It was unfair that Sakusa did not seem bothered at all while Atsumu was screaming internally and sporting the beginning of a hard-on. He heard Sakusa turn pages only twice before turning around and sneaking closer to Sakusa. Sakusa glanced at him a little suspiciously. 

“What?”   


“Ya wanna kiss?” 

“Why?” 

“I just want ta.” 

Sakusa put the book back where it had laid before and stretched a hand out and let it rest on Atsumu’s cheek before pressing a kiss to his lips. His hand was cool against his skin, the chilliness of it seeping into him. The edge of Sakusa’s sleeve brushed against his cheek. 

He loved kissing Sakusa. It was one of the most euphoric feelings he had ever felt, and right now it was only heightened by the quiet exhale Sakusa made when their lips moved against each others’. Like if he too really liked it. Well he was pretty sure he did, otherwise he would not have actually kissed him in the first place. He leaned over him a bit, bracing himself on his forearm so that he could hover over Sakusa a tiny bit, and then he deepened the kiss. Licking his tongue along the seam of Sakusa’s lips gently asking for entrance, Sakusa opened his mouth and let him do what he wanted. 

Sakusa’s mouth was soft and pliant, and his tongue swiped out minutely to brush against his own, making Atsumu moan lowly. The kiss was great, but Atsumu felt himself itching for more, and slipped his hand underneath the soft fabric of the shirt Sakusa was wearing. He was immediately met by the even smoother expanse of skin there. He did it tentatively, not wanting Sakusa to feel like he was jumping him and rushing it, but Sakusa moaned lightly when he brushed downwards, fingers trailing along the hair of his happy trail. 

The hand that had been nestled to his cheek moved and instead Sakusa reached up with one hand and tugged at the still wet hair sticking to the back of Atsumu’s neck. The other hand he put around Atsumu’s shoulders and pulled him downwards and towards him. Making their chests bump together, cloth against skin.

The only thing that could be heard in that room was the silent purring of the air ventilator sitting in place on the wall above the door, and the way Atsumu’s heart was beating so hard it must have become audible even to Sakusa. 

They broke the kiss and both were breathing heavily, chests rising and falling rapidly and he could feel the way Sakusa’s breath brushed against his face, smelling of mint. 

“Ya wanna do it?” 

“Now?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You complained about being unable to move before.”

“It’s fine it doesn’t hurt now.” It did.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Then Sakusa leaned in and kissed sweetly. But then the kiss deepened again, leaving any hesitation and uncertainness behind, locked away in a dark basement. It was not rough though. It was smooth and soft, but still firm and unrelenting. Sakusa pushed him against the shoulder. At first he did not know what he wanted because pushing someone’s shoulder was a vague order. But after a while Sakusa broke away from the kiss and looked him in the eyes darkly. His eyes were like the dead end of night, staring at him like he was gonna consume him. 

“Lay back down.”Atsumu fell back against the bed, making it squeak from the movement. He did not need to be told twice, and then suddenly the roles were flipped and Sakusa was the one hovering over him, except he really did not, instead he made his way onto Atsumu’s lap, straddling him before leaning down to kiss him. Sakusa moved his hips forward once, making Atsumu groan into the room with the way the movement added friction to his dick. And if Sakusa had not noticed him sporting a hard-on before, then it was impossible for him to be ignorant of it now with the way his pants tented suspiciously. He did not feel embarrassed for it though, because Sakusa seemed to be in a similar state, with the way his boxers were doing a little bit of the same thing. 

He suddenly remembered what Sakusa had said during their first date when they visited the aquarium. It flashed to the forefront of his brain echoing between the fragile walls of his skull. 

“Wait, if I’m yer first boyfriend, are ya a virgin?”    


“No, I know what a one-nightstand is.” Sakusa looked at him a little impatiently, like he wanted him to stop talking right now and occupy his mouth with something more worthwhile. 

“Oh.”

“Disappointed?”

“Nah, I don’t care ‘bout that.” 

“Good then shut up.” Sakusa said, and leaned back in to kiss him. 

He did not complain. It was not like many coherent thoughts rolled around inside his head when he was being pressed down into the mattress below by the weight of Sakusa pinning him down. He would gladly shut it if Sakusa would just continue on with those fluid movements of his hips, and not stop.

“I wanna bottom, if that’s fine with you.” It was more than fine, it was great. Sakusas’ cheeks were dusted red, and his breathing was a little laboured, but he was still nowhere near the messed up state that Atsumu was, he was sure that he was beat red, and that his face would soon burst open and that blood would start gushing out from the wound if he were not careful. 

“Yeah sure.” 

“Sit up a little.” Sakusa said, and got off of him, and Atsumu shuffled himself backwards until he was sitting upright with his back plastered against the cold surface of the bed frame. He watched as Sakusa reached for the bedside table on which the book he had been reading lay discarded and forgotten, and opened the top drawer with a creak. He reached inside it, and when he returned to the bed it was with a translucent bottle of lube and a condom packed inside a bright red wrapper.

Putting the object down on the bed, Sakusa removed his boxers but left the shirt on, which was way more suggestive than it should be really. 

“yer so pretty.” He said and moved his hands that had been clenched around the bed sheets, and placed them over Sakusas’ thighs. 

“Shut up.” Sakusa said without any heat, and he turned his head away a little as if he was embarrassed about being told so. Like that was more embarrassing than the fact that he was sitting beside him dick out. Like they were not going to have sex. 

“Are you going to keep your pants on?” Sakusa asked, trying to deflect. 

“Oh, right.” He had kind of forgotten about even wearing them. He reached for the hem and pulled them down swiftly before throwing them away in an unspecified direction. His dick was freed from the constraints from the pants and jumped free. Cold air washed around him, and intermingled with the heated stare of Sakusa. He was not self conscious about being naked like this, but a part of him wanted to cower inwards on himself under that gaze. 

“You’re pretty too.” Sakusa said quietly, almost so quietly that he did not catch onto what he had said, but he did, and his cheeks started to burn like a fire was residing under the skin. 

He saw more than felt it when Sakusa climbed into his lap again and then he grabbed a hold of his dick with long fingers, stroking him a few times before letting go. Atsumu’s breath hitched in his throat and he let out a breathy moan at the attention. Sakusa smiled and kissed him again, taking advantage of the fact that Atsumu’s mouth was already opened and slipping his tongue past his lips as he uncapped the bottle of lube. Atsumu heard him squeeze some of it out onto his hand, before Sakusa guided the fingers behind himself. 

Atsumu moaned again, he had not been doing anything to this degree since that day and-. No, he was not gonna think about that when he had his lap full of Sakusa and when he heard the sounds he made as he fingered himself. 

But a part of his mind whispered that this was what she had been doing, that she had been sitting the exact same way. And suddenly the firm pressure did not feel as good anymore, and instead it became suffocating. He tried to will the memories away, they had no place here, this was just him and Sakusa and he did not want to be interrupted by that. 

Sakusa pulled back from the kiss and Atsumu followed after him, not wanting it to end just yet. 

“Are you okay?”   


“Huh? Yeah.” Sakusa stopped the hand that was moving behind himself, and even though his cheeks were still very much red, he looked serious through and through. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I would’ve toldja otherwise Omi. Really.” It was not really a lie, he probably would, but a part of him wanted to change his mind and just go to bed. He did not think Sakusa would mind, but it also felt like accepting defeat and leaving him stranded in the blue ball zone. 

But after Sakusa had looked him in the eyes for a while, he seemed satisfied with the answer and started kissing him again. Atsumu was thankful for the distraction it provided his racing mind.

Sakusa pulled his fingers away from himself and wiped the excess lube off on the blanket. That threw Atsumu off guard because having used lube smeared onto his bed felt like a very big no-no. 

“It’s fine, I’ll just change it afterwards.” Sakusa said with a raised brow before grabbing the condom and tearing the packaging with the help of his teeth, freeing the viscous condom. 

Sakusa grabbed it and unrolled it over Atsumu’s length with a swift downward motion of his hand before raising himself up on his knees, and sinking down on him inch by inch at a time. It felt good, but the memories arose to the forefront of his mind again, and the feeling only made him think of that woman and the feeling of her around him. It felt too much like that time, and every move Sakusa made reminded him of it. Unshed tears began to prickle at his eyes.

He felt himself starting to go noticeably soft, and heard more than felt his breath speeding up without the help of the activity they were doing. But rather than starting to panic he felt himself going stiff and his mind shutting off. It was like he was experiencing an entire shut down, the little men running around his head pulling the emergency break as fast as they could, leaving him floating over himself in the room. Everything that happened and everything that he felt, felt like a dream. Everything floating around together and breaking apart, creating an incomprehensible mesh of feelings and sensations. 

“Atsumu, you aren’t breathing properly, you need to breathe.” He could vaguely make out Sakusa’s figure and the way he hovered beside him. Was he not sitting in his lap just now? He felt something cold against his face, and through the fog of terror, he guessed that it was Sakusa cupping his face in his hands. 

“Atsumu.” He sounded calm but there was an underlying tone of alarm, and it broke through the fog like a chainsaw through a plywood disc, and he drew a ragged breath. The soft caress on his cheek felt like it was burning him, and he pulled away, hitting his head against the bed frame creating a loud thudding sound. 

With uncoordinated and weak movement he moved himself so that his legs were hanging limply over the edge of the mattress. His elbows were placed on his thighs, sharp bone digging into his already sore muscles making a dull pain arise. It hurt, but right now simply breathing felt like swallowing broken pieces of glass, so he soon became numb to it. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t say that, it’s fine.” But he continued rasping out the words over and over again like a mantra he clung to. As if it was the only thing keeping him above the surface of the cold and deep ocean, where clean oxygen resided. 

Sakusa hovered a short distance away from him, clearly not wanting to touch him again in case he would evade it like he had before. And Atsumu felt like pure and utter shit. 

“Atsumu-”

“I’m sorry I’m like this.” He managed to gasp out, and Sakusa remained silent for a while. The elephant in the room was so enormous and so brightly hot pink that it threatened to burst right through the ceiling. He knew that Sakusa knew what had happened and he was fine with that, but the fact that he had gotten himself a front row seat to see how messed up he really was, was not. He did not want Sakusa to become so closely familiar with this part of him. 

“Stop apologizing, it’s not your fault.” 

“I think I should go home.” He stood up rapidly, and started looking around for the pair of pants he had thrown away earlier. 

“Atsumu you're naked and not in a good place right now, if you're going home then I’m driving you.” 

“I just want ta be alone.” 

“Do you?” He did not know. But he nodded his head stiffly anyways. 

“Okay. you take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

“No it’s yer place, I-” 

“It’s fine, go to bed.” Sakusa wiped a stray tear away while looking at him with a deep crease between his eyebrows, and let his hand stay on his cheek again for a short while before he took it back. The disappearing warmth left a hole in his chest, and he wanted to tell Sakusa to come back, and that he had changed his mind, but Sakusa was already disappearing through the bedroom door. And he was left to sit alone in the bed that still held some of the warmth that Sakusa’s body had left behind. He nuzzled into the soft bed sheets, wrapping the blanket around him as tightly as he could. 

The tears started falling earnestly and he whimpered quietly into the empty room. 

****

“Anything new?” 

“Well, uh, I tried ta sleep with my partner, but I couldn't handle it.” He fiddled with a damp piece of paper that nestled into the flat of his hand. It crinkled slightly as it moved whenever he squeezed it with his fingers. 

He was sitting in the familiar room once again, with Tanaka-san sitting in front of him with a writing pad, looking at him as he spoke. 

“And why is that?”

“I remembered things I didn’t want ta.” Tanaka-san hummed and wrote something down on the paper fastened to the writing pad with the help of two silver clips. She had told him the first time he went to see her, that everything that he said during a session was labeled as confidential information and that everything she wrote down would be added to his journal, so he guessed that that was what she was doing right now as well. 

“Did those memories come as soon as you started, or was it something that came after a while?” 

“After a while. I didn’t think ‘bout it at the beginnin’.” She added something more to the paper. Then she put the pen and writing pad down, and when she did, it clattered delicately against the surface of the small brown table in front of her.

“I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again because I think it’s important that you hear it. Recovery is not linear, and feeling comfortable to at least initiate sex after what you’ve been through shows how much you’ve grown.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. I feel like shit for bein’ like this.”

“I know that you do, but you aren’t the way that you are because you want to. It’s just the way things are for you right now, and the important thing is that your partner knows this.”

“He does. But I still feel bad for leavin’ him hangin’ like that.” 

“Who is he?”   


“He’s on my team. We’ve played together since highschool. A real Tokyo brat.” He added with a chuckle, trying to sprinkle some light over the otherwise painful subject. It did not really work though.    


“Well I’m very happy that you’ve met someone that you feel comfortable around. And since you’re playing on the same team I guess that you know how to talk to each other on court? Which means that you already know how to communicate and work together. You just need to bring that side of you out in other settings as well.” In the bedroom, is what Atsumu heard and he felt his neck and face heat up. He did not want Sakusa to feel like he pushed him away, or that he did not want to be with him like that, because of course he did. He just could not. 

“I know, he told me that it was fine, but I still felt like I get ta have all the fun just by bein’ with him, and he gets none of that.”   
  
“Don’t you think he feels the same way about you?” Tears welled up. Again. 

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t think that he would want to be in a relationship with you if he did not like just being with you as well.” 

“But I’m so useless, I can't even sleep with him!” It was a strange complaint he knew, and an even weirder source of self-loathing, but he had always thought that sex was kind of important in most realationships so was not he useless for not being able to provide that?

“That’s not being useless Miya-san, that’s your mind reminding you of a traumatic event since it resembled that incident that caused it. It’s not something that you or anyone else like you could control.” 

She patted his knee lightly, as he wiped his eyes again.

****

He did not go home after leaving the therapist clinic. Instead he went along in the opposite direction. He really needed to talk to Sakusa. He did not know what he was about to say, but that seemed like a problem for him 20 minutes in the future. 

Things had been tense since Tuesday night, not because either of them had gotten angry, but rather because Atsumu had tried to evade speaking alone to Sakusa like he was the plague. He felt bad for doing so, and even worse because he felt relieved that none of the others knew that they were together making it possible to do so with ease. He just had to be around the others as much as he could and quickly disappear out of the stadium after practice.    


It had been four days since Tuesday and Sakusa had stopped trying to seek him out, instead waiting Atsumu out. He had sent him some messages though, about calling him when he felt like he could, and most in which he wondered how he was doing. 

Thinking about it made him feel even more of a douche, but he had just not been able to talk to him about it before now. Because now he was filled with determination walking down the sidewalk with long strides. The only reason he felt that way was because he found strength or perhaps solace in what Tanaka-san had told him, and he figured that it was a little overdue, but rather late than never. 

A part of him still wished that they did not ever have to talk about this, that it could be forgotten and buried deep underground, but he knew that was not possible in the long run, and if he did not act wisely then this stab wound would get infected and they would both die from blood poisoning. 

So he continued down the road in the direction of Sakusa’s apartment complex, thinking about what he was supposed to say. Tanaka-san had told him that communication was key, but that did not matter if he had no idea what to say. Just ambition was not enough to bring the sentiments across. 

But even if he had had 20 minutes to think about it and a little longer still, he still found himself standing outside Sakusa's door without a single comprehensible thought circulating on the conversation highway of his brain. He knocked on the thick wooden door anyways. 

Not soon after he heard the latch unlock and the inside and a slightly disheveled Sakusa suddenly stood in front of him. And every thought that had been formulating during the time he stood in that plain hallway evaporated like it had been boiled away like water. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Silence stretched for a while, and Atsumu guessed that Sakusa was waiting on him to say something more. 

“Can I come inside?” He asked. This was good, this was at least a beginning. 

Sakusa stepped aside and held the door open for him, and Atsumu took a step inside and into the genkan, trying to dislodge his feet from the shoes he was wearing with shaking fingers as he untied the shoelace. Sakusa closed the door and walked past him in the direction of the kitchen.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Sakusa turned back to look at him just as he was about to disappear beyond the doorway. Atsumu looked him in his eyes but it was hard to not look away, because he still felt bad. Something to drink did sound good though. 

“Yes please.” 

“I have tea.” 

“That’s fine.” He followed him into the kitchen and sank down on one of the chairs standing by the table. He could hear Sakusa shuffling around the kitchen, filling up the electric kettle, and turning it on, the water starting up to a steady boil before it turned off, and cups being taken down from inside a cupboard and being filled with water. 

Sakusa walked over to him and placed a cup in front of him with a soft cluttering sound. Steamed arose from the hot liquid and a tea bag rested inside it, drifting around in there as the water quivered from when Sakusa had put it down on the table. 

“Thank you.” Sakusa walked around and sat on the other end of the oval table. There really was no other place to sit, because for some reason the table only had two chairs instead for the standard set of four. Sakusa stirred the bag around in his own cup, and the steam blurred his face a bit. 

“I’m sorry fer Tuesday.”   


“I told you, you don’t have to be.” 

“Yeah I know ya said that, but I should’ve told ya what I was thinkin’ and not just left ya in the dark.”

“Atsumu, sure it would have been better if you did, but you were having a panic attack. Your health is more important than your communication skills during that.” 

“But it doesn’t matter! I was stupid fer leavin’ ya hangin’ like that. 

And also ya asked me if I was fine ‘nd I lied.” 

“It doesn’t matter. “

“I don't know when I’ll be able ta y’know do that..”

“That’s fine.”   


“Doesn’t that annoy ya though? Fer all I know I might never be able ta do things like most others do.”   


“I don’t care about that.” 

“I know ya like sex though.”

“Sure, don’t you? I can wait, sex is not everything there is to this.” He gestured between them with his finger. This. Us. Atsumu did not know if he wanted to cry or be irritated that Sakusa did not seem to get what he was trying to get across. He was broken. He could not even do something as seemingly simple as sleeping with his boyfriend, and he cursed himself for that. 

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is. You’re doing it harder than it must be. I don’t care if we never sleep together, ever. I did not ask you out to get into your pants.”

“Really?” His throat constrained trying to prevent tears from falling. 

“Yeah. I wouldn’t lie about that.” There was silence again. But then Atsumu stood up making the tea inside his cup tremble, threatening to spill over if the table received another push, and walked over to Sakusa. Sakusa looked at him with those pitch black eyes of his as Atsumu leaned down and wrapped his arms around him, hiding his face away in the crook of his neck. 

The angle was a little awkward because of the difference in height, as Sakusa was still sitting down, but that did not matter in the slightest. Sakusa did not seem to want to fight the weird posture either and let his fingers creep into the soft blonde waves of Atsumu’s hair. 

“Stay the night?” Sakusa wondered. Atsumu nodded into the crook of his neck, teary eyed. 

“This time ya aren’t allowed ta sleep on the sofa.” 

****

He groaned, it was freezing cold and he felt like he had been thrown outside at some point during the night. He felt around with a hand aimlessly, trying but failing at locating the blanket that he was certain had laid over him before he fell asleep. He cracked an eye open, glancing around the mostly dark room. The sun had started to peek out from behind the curvature of the globe, and rich morning sunshine filtered in through the blinds hanging limply over the window. 

Beside him Sakusa lay, but not much of him was visible, only a tuft of black curls glanced over the thickness that was the blanket enveloping his form. He could hear the soft inhales and exhales he did though, and it sounded like he was still fast asleep. But why was he one blanket the looser than he was the previous evening? 

Glancing down at the floor by the bed he could not see any sign of the blanket, and he really started to notice the way that his skin scrunched up and caused one of the worst cases of chicken skin he had seen. 

He tugged gently on one of the defined curls peeking up, but not hard enough for it to actually hurt. 

“Omi, yer hoggin’ all the blankets.” No reaction. Sakusa slept like the dead, laying completely still underneath the massive amount of fabric and down. He shook Sakusa gently by the shoulder, rocking him sluggishly back and forth. 

“Omi wake up I’m freezin’.” Sakusa groaned and curled into himself further before resuming the calm breathing he had had before. 

Realizing that it would prove pointless he stopped rocking Sakusa’s limp body and lay back down, back down facing the ceiling. He would not be able to go back to sleep like this but he did not really want to get dressed and lay back down to sleep in his clothes either. Thinking about for a moment more he came to a conclusion. 

“I’m sorry but there’s no other way.” he said before crawling in under the clustered blankets, and plastered himself onto Sakusa’s back.    


“Atsumu what the fuck?” He tried to escape the cold Atsumu brought into the warm nest, but Atsumu clung to him like a koala did to a tree stem. 

“Ya took my blanket.” 

“No I didn’t?” 

“Then why d’ya have two and I have none?” Sakusa thought about that for a moment. 

“Oh. Sorry.” Sakusa said and turned around before grabbing hold of his face and kissing his face sweetly. Atsumu smiled under the attention. It felt nice, but soon enough Sakusa stopped and hid his head in the crook of Atsumu’s neck. This was alright he thought and hugged Sakusa tighter. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed it! I'm thinking about writing a third part so please let me know if you people want that.


End file.
